'Where two or three gather on Zoom, there am I with them.' (NCV, Novel Coronavirus Translation)

Zoom with Jesus

With churches everywhere meeting on Zoom and other online-meeting applications, many people are wondering what the Bible has to say about this new development.

Thanks to a new translation, they won’t have to wonder anymore.

The editors of The Raggamuffin Gospel have released a new, updated translation they are calling the Novel Coronavirus Version (or NCV, for short).

“It’s a completely new translation,” claims Manning, the original author of The Raggamuffin Gospel, a text widely hailed as the most historically reliable and grammatically faithful translation of the New Testament in recent history. Ragamuffin was known for its transparency and clarity, such as when Manning wrote, ‘Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer.’ “

“Our world is changing every day,” said the NCV general editor Douglas Moole, “and we knew that the age of pandemics was going to require a radical rethinking of just what makes for a relevant translation.”

Clergy who were given early access are raving about it’s place as a game-changer in the “brand-new-translation-based-on-derivative-of-KJV” publishing racket.

“The real genius of Ragamuffin was its ability to speak to the modern Christian, right where he—or, pardon me, I mean they—is,” said pastor and essential-oil entrepreneur Mandy Smithers. “This new translation has an amazing cover that is sure to attract anyone who thinks getting the right Bible is the key to being a great Christian. And besides, I’ve heard really good things about it on social media.”

People have already begun posting quotes from this remarkably quotable, novel translation:

“What the state has separated let not man join together.” (Matthew 19:6)

“Submit yourselves to the governing authorities, for there is no non-essential organization except by God’s ordination. […] This is not a great mystery; I am speaking about the church.” (Romans 13)

“If any one of you is sick, he should call the elders of the church and let them know he is in self-isolation for fourteen days. Let the others stay as far away from him as possible, and let that person anoint themselves with sanitizer.” (James 5:14)

“This will be a sign unto you: you will find the babe wrapped in personal-protective equipment and staying inside.” (Luke 2:12)

Readers will find the NCV especially comforting as they hear more and more news about reprobates going outdoors without permission slips. The NCV’s Revelation 22:15 speaks to this issue with particular clarity, saying,

“Outside their homes are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood, especially if they question mainstream-media talking points on the novel coronavirus.”

The NCV is not all doom-and-gloom, however. The final words of the novel translation end on a note of hope:

“The Spirit and the bride say, “Stay home!” And let the one who hears say, “Stay home!” Let the one who is thirsty stay home; and let the one who wishes take the relatively inexpensive gift of binge-watching Netflix.” (Revelation 22:15, 17)

Watch for the special Men’s, Women’s, Children’s, Scout’s, Non-Conforming’s, Mormon’s, Hindu’s, and Zionist’s versions being released this fall, each with personalized covers and matching face masks.


Ryder A. Wishart

Breaking news for cracking up.